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Plus musings on friendship

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship.

More specifically, how can I invite more friendship time into my life?

Part of traditional Home Economics teaches one how to be a good host. Most of the teachings include things like menu ideas to table decor and beyond. While this can certainly be helpful if someone wants to throw a fancy get-together, being a host doesn’t always have to, and probably shouldn’t, be so complicated. This is something I struggle with. Not necessarily the stuffy this-is-how-you-set-a-table, but more the I-must-host-every-aspect-and-offer-food-free-of-all-dietary-restrictions aspect. As much as I am trying to bring a new view with Modern Home Economics, there are still many things like this that I need to un-learn.

from “Everywoman’s Complete Guide to Homemaking” by Florence Laganke Harris, published in 1938. (Yikes)

Often, I find that I hesitate to invite friends over because I am putting too much pressure on myself. Meaning if I invite someone over, I feel like everything has to be spotlessly clean, or all the dishes have been put away, or I need to make something homemade to offer them to eat. And a lot of the time my house is dusty (probably something only I would notice), or I can’t think of something to make (or don’t have the energy to make it, or my pantry isn’t stocked), so I just put off inviting people over and then before I know it months have gone by.

But when I think back to some of my fondest memories, many of them have been in un-planned (and therefore low-pressure on the host) situations. One that comes to mind is being invited for a late-night dinner at my friend Emily’s house. I don’t remember what we were doing before this, but what does stick out was that she said “We can go have food at my apartment. I have pasta we can cook, and some rosemary on the balcony to add”. I remember thinking that I never would’ve thought of that; my go-to is always more (probably too) elaborate (there’s that pressure I put on myself coming in again). This was something so simple, that obviously has stuck with me for many years. How can I embrace that simplicity?

Something I have been thinking a lot about lately is: How can we foster friendships in a low-pressure way?

To be granted, we were in our 20’s living life more on a whim, and now in my settled-down 40’s I probably wouldn’t find myself in a similar situation to invite friends back for spontaneous midnight pasta and rosemary (and butter and cheese, it was delicious). My life is more structured now, offering fewer opportunities to do things on impulse. So, how can I foster friendships and build community within that structured environment, while also not putting so much pressure on myself?

It takes more planning, yes, but it doesn’t have to be big. So, I’ve started brainstorming how I can invite friendship time into my life when I am feeling lazy overwhelmed/brain-fried/exhausted in a way that takes the pressure off of me to host every aspect.

another snap from “Everywoman’s Complete Guide to Homemaking”. (yikes again)

Here are some things that have piqued my interest, wondering if/how I could incorporate these things to further current connections, or establish new ones.

• Cookbook clubs. I’ve seen a few different versions of this:

  • Monthly book clubs that a group of people choose a cookbook to read, then gathers and each person brings one dish from the cookbook to be able to try a bunch of recipes from the book, and to discuss the book like a regular book club. I’ve been wondering if I could pull this off quarterly instead of monthly.

  • This exclusively potato gathering (which, is right up my potato-loving Parmentier alley). It seems like a one-off excuse to throw a party, which makes me wonder if one could come up with quarterly themed get-togethers like this.

  • Sarah Gailey’s Stone Soup Digest & Supper Club which is a monthly space that the author talks about their own writing process, books that they have read, and monthly <online> cook-a-longs. I’d imagine there are other similar online spaces to this out there, too.

• Hang with me while I run errands. I first saw this on TikTok, and think it’s an amazing idea when you’re having trouble finding space to catch up in-person with friends. The idea is that instead of meeting for coffee or dinner (aka taking time out of a tightly-packed schedule), you meet up to run errands together. The whole two-birds-one-stone scenario.

• Help me organize my space. A woman I once knew started this with some of her friends, and it’s pretty similar to the hang with me while I run errands idea, but each month you meet at one person’s house, and help them organize something. Could be a “junk” drawer. Could be a closet. Could be a fabric stash. It could be that it just helps you get a start on something, leaving you to finish after they leave. I love this because not only are you getting some time to connect with friends, you are also getting that little push to check something off your list.

• A mending circle. Similar to help me organize my space, a mending circle gives you the little push to bring things you’ve been meaning to get to but just haven’t quite done. Make it a potluck, or a BYOT (bring your own tea), or schedule it for an in-between time when no food will be expected to take the pressure off.

• Gardening gals. This is one I already do. A couple of years ago, I started gardening with 2 of my friends. My friend Hilary had gardening beds already established at her house, so she, Lydia and I all meet once a week to garden, chat, and leave with 1/3 of the week’s bounty. From roughly March/April-October/November it’s a perfect opportunity for weekly friendship and hands-in-the-dirt-outside-time, with the bonus that we don’t have to think about gardening or weeding every day.

• A swap-meet. Swap clothes! Swap kitchen tools! Swap fabric! Swap seeds & gardening supplies! Swap recipes! The possibilities are endless.

• Zoom hang-outs. I think a lot of people did this through the covid lockdowns, but I suggest we continue it even if we can meet in-person again. It takes the pressure off of hosting, reduces travel-time, and you can be in your pajamas if you want. Some ideas are Spotify listening parties, watching a tv show or movie together, or a virtual game night.

• Send a card. Not exactly quality connection time, but it will foster a more meaningful connection in the long-run. When is the last time you got mail that wasn’t junk? Let someone know you are thinking about them by sending a random snail-mail note. Send a holiday card in June! Send a birthday card for a holiday! Who cares, it’ll make them laugh and the point is to send something the moment you are thinking about it, so send what’s on hand.

Obviously, meeting up for coffee, or inviting friends over for dinner are also options, but for some reason I find myself putting those things off. Maybe some planned, structured friend time is what I need to help me be a better friend.

What other ideas do you have?

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